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Another one bites the dust [23 Jun 2014|12:14am]
[ mood | depressed ]

Well shit with Makoto is over. I could tell from the beginning the dude was not into me, he never made any effort to talk to me or hang out so finally I just stopped initiating anything and was surprised when he made plans with me Friday to come over Saturday...

I first hooked up with him at his mother's house (he lives in Japan but moving back here in a month) and then he came over to my place twice. For our Saturday hookup, he insisted on coming over to my place again since his mom was back from Vietnam but I have already had a hookup situation where all we did was fuck at each other's houses and shit got old and I didn't want that situation again. I told him I wanted to meet somewhere else and come back here later, hinting that I wanted a proper date, not just to come over and fuck.

But he said he was broke and going 15 minutes to at least meet in the park was "too far" and besides he had weed and we can't legally smoke it so he had to come to my place. Finally I gave in since I wanted sex and agreed to have him come over Saturday around 3pm.

He mentioned being "available" between 1pm-9pm which is not only insulting because it just feels like I am some backup plan when he has nothing else going on and if he so broke and can't even go to the park with me, then what does he have going on during the times he's not available? It's not like I wanted this asshole to be my boyfriend, just don't lie and make me feel like some bitch you are using to get blowjobs which is what I ended up being.

The final straw was when he FB messaged me right before he was supposed to come over and said  he was too tired to meet up with me and was going to sleep! WTF? Who cancels a sex date to take a nap? It also didn't help that a few hours earlier he posted pics of him eating with some skinny Thai bitch he's always hanging out with on Facebook. Broke and tired eh?

The thing is I don't give a fuck if he is fucking other people, that skinny Thai bitch could just be a friend, but the problem is the blatant disrespect and disregard for my feelings. I don't deserve to be treated like a last minute thought and then cast aside because he just wasn't in the mood to come over and fuck me? That really made me feel like shit.

Since I already knew this guy was just not into me and not giving me the respect and attention I deserve, I asked him straight up to tell me if he isn't into me. I promised not to rip his balls off, just tell me. He said "that wasn't it" he was just tired.

I realized this shit is not working and this guy is being a fucking dick so I told him it's clear he isn't into me, and wished him luck with everything, and deleted his ass on Facebook. He didn't reply back.

I was depressed and still am a bit. Rejection doesn't feel good and it sucks that the ideal beauty here is to be extra thin. It's like if you are remotely chubby you're fucking worthless and Thais will tell you straight up if you are too fat.

I have gained weight since my Winter depression and haven't been in the mood to exercise because it's too fucking hot out, but despite that, I'm still sexy, amazing in bed, and am still a fucking awesome human being. It's not like people like me are a dime a dozen, unlike the skinny Thai bitches who are. So fine he can be all emo and cut himself over all the skinny Thai bitches breaking his stupid heart all he wants and keep listening to his shitty music and listening to fucking voices in his head and good luck with finding a Thai bitch who is going to be attracted to that. Also good luck moving back here and still living with mommy at 27 years of age.

He was not a big loss, it's not like I wanted anything from him but sex and someone to hang out with. What he lost was far greater. Still, being taken for granted because you aren't a bony Thai bitch stings. I'm so sick of that shit. But it's not like this happens all the time, I still get laid and have guys hitting on me all the time. Most people don't take me for granted and do treat me like the fabulous queen that I am.


BTW Makoto got chubs too recently due to depression so he should understand that shit. I always go up and down in weight depending on my mood. But I'm sick of feeling like a fat sack of lard. I'm moving to my new apartment in a week and hitting the gym and pool there and staying away from carbs. I need to get my groove back and go back to being the heart breaker. Fuck crying over mediocre cocks. I deserve better.

And the thing I can't stress enough is that though even my list of things I want in a guy are pretty much impossible to find, what I want from anyone I'm interested in is NOT a relationship! I don't want monogamy. I don't require a lot of attention. I hate talking on the phone so I don't want that either, just a message now and then asking how I am and sex once a week and to fucking take me out so I feel like something other than a hole.

Although for a one-night stand that shit is fine because that's what one-night stands are for, in order to break mediocrity and keep shit interesting when seeing someone more than once, going out somewhere and experiencing stuff together outside of each other's apartments to fuck is essential for me. I get bored easily and hate repetition. I'm an interesting person and anyone who doesn't see that and bend over backwards to try to get to know me and show appreciation for me when I am clearly showing interest and appreciation for them is bullshit.

This doesn't mean every guy I'm attracted to has to want me, even though most do, just don't lie or take me for granted or be passive aggressive if you are fucking me. I'm really pissed off at how he handled shit and he didn't even have the decency to apologize for his shitty behavior. A simple "sorry I made you feel that way" in response to my way-too-nice "breakup" message would have gone a long way in not making me feel so crappy.

It's all due to the extreme level of immaturity guys in Bangkok have and I have 0 tolerance for that shit. I have a Japanese vibrator. At this point, if you do not meet my standards, you are cut off immediately. I am a master at severing ties with people who aren't good for me. It's a valuable skill that saves me from wasting my precious time or getting truly hurt.

Fuck boys. I need a man. I want someone who will fuck my brains out, stimulate me intellectually, and make me feel wanted and gorgeous. Until the impossible happens, I will keep on hooking up with hot 20-somethings and turning down most guys who hit on me and working on getting that skinny body that everyone is supposed to have in order to be worth something. It's so fucking stupid but anyway I want to feel better about myself and exercise is good for health and shit.

To celebrate I ate a fuckload of carbs today. 

Comments: 3 have gone mad - we're all mad here

Makoto [19 Jun 2014|01:39am]
[ mood | horny ]

So I have a new sex toy!


As the title of this post implies, his name is Makoto. That is how he looks when he's cleaned up. He likes to do the Johnny Depp hobo thing and look scraggly most of the time but is still sexy underneath:


I do like his Japanese  He's actually a viking and samurai mix! His mother (who I know well and have taught with before) is from Norway and his father is Japanese. He has the best of both worlds. Typically, half Asian guys are hot but end up with the dreaded Asian cock but thankfully his cock is totally viking and pleasantly painful!

I actually met him a couple years back when he was visiting his mother at the school where we were teaching and I thought he was sexy as fuck. He had a girlfriend at the time but I put him on my fuck list and eventually my wish came true!

So the way Makoto ended up being inside me is that I've been meeting his mother now and then for tea to catch up since she lives close to me and was a mentor since she's almost 70 years old and is a really amazing teacher. She is retired and teaches for the love of it. She told me Makoto was not doing well since moving to Japan for work, he broke up with his Thai girlfriend and was cutting himself. I asked her if he could be bipolar and she had never heard of that before and felt relieved once she learned more about it because then his behavior made more sense.

She then said Makoto would be back in Bangkok for a month for work and we should all get together for lunch.

I took the liberty of messaging him on Facebook a couple weeks ago out of the blue and we decided to meet up at the cat cafe the following day.

My plan was to take it slow and actually try going on a date before sleeping with someone but of course that didn't happen. We ended up chatting more and I revealed my strong sexuality and I ended up going over his place, drinking, smoking weed, and fucking him. It was nice. I introduced him to Valium and learned he's schizophrenic as well as bipolar but has his shit under control which is super rare. He hears voices but he is aware of them and still has a good job with water purification for a Japanese company. He also sees numerical patterns like the dude from Pi.

So he's crazy, has a good job, is super smart, hot, has a big cock, sexy voice, great in bed, fun to talk to, does drugs, is self-aware, very laid back, sweet, loves cats, loves movies, and is fluent in 4 languages...

Things are going well so far. I am just surprised at finding someone who isn't a one-night stand and has potential. Even if it's regular sex and hanging out, that's really all I am after right now. Of course due to all the qualities he has that are so rare, I do think about whether there could be more to this but I don't want to get ahead of myself. It's only been 2 weeks. I've seen him 4 times and had a great time with him and chat with him on facebook almost every day.

The only downside I see so far is a bit of selfishness, he is really into his voices and hallucinatory trips and ego/godlike state of mind which I can relate to because I do the same thing. I just want him to be all OMG about me and put more of an effort into seeing me, so far I keep having to initiate him coming over but he does when I ask him to. I guess if he made things too easy I'd get bored faster and he is busy with work and catching up with friends before he goes back to Japan.

Anyway it's nice to have steady cock and get cock delivery again. The funny thing is he reminds me so much of the Thai/Kiwi twink I used to see a couple years ago, but a more mature version who is smarter and way better in bed. They look alike though and certain things about their personality are similar, mainly things having to do with thinking they know more than they really due which is out of their naivety of being young and smart.

Makoto is 27 so he isn't THAT much younger than me. I'm 31. But I'm still way smarter and more mature than him. Men are not known for being very mature anyway so he's doing well.

Another good thing about him is that he was molested as a kid too so he is going through the same shit I am. He deals with it a different way. I became a nympho and he thought he was gay for awhile and even was a prostitute when he was younger. But it seemed to be more out of hurting himself than enjoyment. He does enjoy to hurt himself, hence the cutting.

So we'll see. He promised to see me again this week. I'll have to initiate when that will be since he hasn't tried to make plans with me yet. That just seems to be a common thing with guys here though, my friend has the same problem with her boyfriend. She always has to initiate making plans with him and they've been together for over a year already.

Boys. At least I'm getting regular cock now and it's good!

Comments: we're all mad here

More Occupants in my Vagina [16 Apr 2014|12:27am]
[ mood | horny ]

So last week I fucked a hot 24-year-old American guy with a girlfriend (he failed to mention that until after he came but I didn't care anyway) and it was really good and last night I fucked a crazy Japanese piss drinker. Here are the recaps cut and pasted from my tumblr:

American guy story:

Ran into a very hot 24-year-old American with a super hot body, long blonde hair and a big cock last night. He was drunk and super horny. We met at Wong’s bar and I just started talking to him because he was the hottest guy in the place and I wanted to get in his pants immediately.

He’s a writer and moving to Los Angeles in a month. We spoke for about fifteen minutes and he was ready to take me home. I went home with him and we fucked for about 3 hours. My mouth is raw from sucking his dick so hard.

He is really good in bed, gorgeous body, beautiful face, very dominant, really good with his mouth, perfect cock size. We used up all 6 condoms I bought at 7-11.

Then right after he comes the first time he says he has a girlfriend. So not surprised. What surprised me more was when I asked him why he has a girlfriend and fucks around he responded very honestly.

"I’m selfish."

Most guys who fuck around can’t be that honest, they just will avoid the issue all together and just keep fucking around. So we fucked some more and then he started to feel guilty and wouldn’t kiss me. I made fun of him since he kissed me before and kissing me now wasn’t going to make him any less of a cheater. I never get that logic. You can put your dick inside me but kissing is too intimate?

And then I get a message from his friend on Facebook saying I have to call him because it’s urgent. His girlfriend’s friend saw me going home with him and texted her so now she’s pissed off at him because she knows he cheated and he called me to figure out some bullshit excuse to tell her. Something about us leaving on a cab together because we knew each other. He even asked if it was ok for the girlfriend to call me to verify his bullshit story.

So much drama for cock but it was good cock. He’s leaving for LA in a month. He should just dump her and fuck me until he leaves. He’d be so much happier.

Piss-drinking Japanese Story

So last night I went to Silom soi 4 which is the gay street to celebrate Songkran. For those of you not in Thailand, Songkran is Thai New Year, it lasts about 4 days and it’s a nationwide waterfight where everyone gets fucking wasted and a lot of people die from road accidents because water+booze+already hazardous driving = lots of deaths. That is part of what makes it so much fun. I was almost hit by a bus a couple years ago because I was drunk and in the middle of a waterfight with a truck full of teenagers.

I’d post pictures but of course the new waterproof camera I bought specifically so I could take pictures for Songkran stopped working the first day of Songkran and the Fuji office is closed for the holiday. It was working fine all night but stopped working when I arrived home and wanted to upload pictures. It’s been dead ever since. Fuck Fuji!

So everyone was wet and wasted on Silom. I was with my friend Julian dancing in front of One Night Only, a fun gay club on soi 4. We’re dancing on top of chairs and drink coolers with hot shirtless gay men and drag queens. Some of the shirtless guys were wearing crowns and I stole one. I made out with a sexy Brazilian tranny a few times.

Two dudes were cruising me despite it being a gay street. Some Thai guy and a Japanese guy. I was so wasted and totally out of money so I told the Japenese guy I’d give him a blowjob if he bought me a drink. I was only half joking.

His English wasn’t that great but I love Japanese accents. They’re funny. The party was over anyway, things typically close legally around 2am. They are really hard on the gay street too so they must abide by the law.

Soto, as this Japanese dude was called, ended up taking me home. Julian came with us on the subway since he lived on the way.

I ended up in Soto’s apartment and we took a shower. That’s when things started to get odd. I told him I had to pee and he said to piss in his mouth. I’m not sexually aroused by piss but if someone wants to drink my piss and gets off on it why not? So I pissed in his mouth but it was really hard to pee when some dudes mouth is all up in your pussy.

It took a couple times for me to finally finish peeing and Soto enjoyed it. He kept trying to fuck me without a condom but I made him put one on. He ended up getting in there without one and it felt good and I didn’t push him away to get him to put a condom on and he ended up coming inside me. He pulled out but some semen got in before he could pull out. Fucking great. He had morning after pills ready in his drawer, at first I was like “that shit could be roofies for all I know” but I eventually take them since they are sealed and it’s labelled with the instructions and stuff and I really don’t want to get pregnant.

So we fucked for awhile, with a condom from then on! Asian dudes are really not that big which why I typically don’t go for them, but certain guys, even if they aren’t that big, get really really hard and that extra hardness makes up for the lack of size. Soto was average like 6 inches but really really hard especially since he was into some kinky shit and all turned on from drinking my piss so sex with him was actually fun, he felt good.

Then after he came, remember I can’t come with other people, he tried to cuddle with me and I’m not a cuddler. He then said “you girlfriend now?” He wanted me to be his girlfriend because he really wanted one and hadn’t had one for 5 years. I was like “wtf no I’m not going to be your girlfriend, you’re probably never going to see me again!”

Then he licked my armpit and kept trying to cuddle and just kept repeating how I will piss in his mouth and he’d lick my pussy every day and I’m like “dude no not every day” and he’s like “5 times a week?” And I’m not “no this is last time” and he said “I cry.” And it went on and on.

Fucking Japanese guys. I told him he was fucking crazy and he laughed and said he was crazy. The conversation repeated a lot because he was Japanese and he was obsessed with my being his girlfriend and kept asking if I would be his every day.

He wanted to sleep with me hugging him and his head on my chest but I can’t sleep like that, I rarely can fall asleep with someone I just met and I hate cuddling. He was really needy as well as fucking nuts.

But here I am in the apartment with the Japanese piss drinker and we fuck again and he kept saying “you stay tomorrow?” and I’m like “no” and he said “this last time?” and I’m like “yes this is last time you see me” so he fucks me harder and says “no not last time” and then he comes and tries to cuddle again.

Then he asks if I want to brush my teeth, I’m like sure and he has a whole drawer full of new packaged toothbrushes and I can imagine he gets a bunch of random pussy in his apartment, comes inside them, hence the stash of morning after pills, freaks them the fuck out, and never sees them again. I can picture him asking to drink a lot of chick’s pee and asking them to be his girlfriend forever.

As I was brushing my teeth I saw a cup full of toothbrushes, it was weird. It’s not like I wanted to be special, I didn’t want to be anything to this guy. This is another hookup, albeit a fucking weird one, it was mostly creepy. He had this ritual going obviously and it was just weird and here I am a willing part of it.

So I get back into bed and am thinking “what the fuck am I doing?” he tries to cuddle with me and keeps asking if I will be his girlfriend and I push him away and lay on my stomach to try to sleep. Finally he leaves me alone and I doze off for a few minutes then wake up and realize I should get the fuck out of there.

Soto is asleep so I try to sneak into the bathroom to put my wet clothes on. He washed them for me as we were taking a shower together and they were wet already from Songkran. It was not comfortable putting cold wet clothes on but I had to get out of there. The guy seemed harmless, just mental.

So I put my clothes on and rush to the coffee table to grab my bracelets and Songkran purse which is a waterproof little plastic pouch with my money, keys, and phone. Then I fucking run out of there. He opens the door after me and tells me to wait for him since I can’t get out of the condo without his door key but I press the elevator button over and over until the door opens and I gtfo.

When I arrive on the first floor some fat dude was coming in right as I was running out so I didn’t need to worry about a door key.

I jumped in the taxi and Soto called me twice an hour later and has been calling me all day today.

I’m not answering. And yes I’m getting the full STI checkup when I get paid. I’m normally really strict about condoms but last night was not a normal hookup. I guess none of my hookups are ever normal but that one topped the wtf list.

I should be more careful but I was never one to be careful about anything, except condoms, that shit was really stupid. I hopefully didn’t catch anything and am not pregnant by some crazy Japanese.
I like having a new sex adventure every week. I love having a new cock every week too, I wish that were a regular thing. I've just been lucky these past 2 weekends although I don't know if "lucky" is an accurate description of last night's hookup. I do get into the most random predicaments and don't ever want to settle down.
A steady booty call would be nice though. American boy would have been great. Too bad about the stupid girlfriend.

Comments: 2 have gone mad - we're all mad here

Occupy My Vagina Update [03 Jan 2014|03:28pm]
[ mood | hungover ]

Yes I am updating my livejournal! I know only like 2 people still use this thing and that is actually why I feel better posting here than anywhere. I have stuff I need to let out but I don't want certain people seeing this because the main person I'm writing about is someone a lot of twitter/facebook people know and he's married...


So in an earlier post I mentioned hooking up with a rich, married Kiwi viking who lived in Singapore named Jason. This was last year and I only gave him a blowjob because neither of us had condoms and he was being a selfish asshole and not returning the favor.

Anyway despite his selfishness, I enjoyed the interaction and we ended up fucking when he returned to Bangkok in October. His wife made him move back to New Zealand because she knew he was fucking around a lot and so they returned to their country of origin in hopes of chilling him the fuck out.

It didn't work. His first night coming back to Bangkok I ended up in his hotel room and we fucked for about 8 hours. He can keep going after he comes and it was quite a marathon session. By far the best sex I've had in Bangkok. He's nearly 7 feet tall and very strong, he even almost knocked me out in the shower from choking me so hard and pushing me against the wall. I love being dominated and when he asked me what I wanted I said "I want you to fuck me like a whore" and he did.

I would have kept going if I could have gotten some sleep for a bit and had a night bag with me but I can't sleep well with other people around that I'm not comfortable with and with him I was comfortable enough for him to strip me down naked and get yanked by the hair, pounded in the shower, on the bed, on the bathroom sink, and have his cock shoved down my throat until I was choking and gasping for air...but for some reason I couldn't relax and fall asleep next to him.

So I kissed him goodbye, searched for my thong and thigh-high fishnets and other random shit among the mess of clothes everywhere, he said something about us doing a non-fucking activity together later in the week like watching a movie or something, I thought that sounded nice, and I left with my skirt accidentally hiked up giving the hotel doormen and taxi drivers quite a show at 3 in the afternoon...

Before getting to his hotel though, some twitter bitch who is young and sort of cute but really fucking boring and annoying was at the bar with him. Granted her boyfriend was there but he's a clueless retard and didn't notice how bad she wanted to fuck Kiwi boy.

I noticed but she also noticed how happy he got when I walked through that door and immediately kissed him and hugged him, claiming that shit. So she kept glaring at me behind my back and shrilling in his ear about stupid shit to the point where I threatened to go home alone unless we got the fuck out of there, the bitch was getting on my nerves and I finally threatened to kick her ass after 2 friends pointed out that she kept glaring at me behind my back and was talking shit about me to him.

That made him yank me away in a taxi and fuck the anger out of me. He can do that. He is a total egomaniac who wants to conquer women and he has this facade of being the good guy, the white knight and gentleman who will rush to save a damsel in distress in the hopes he can fuck her and feed his ego. He follows young cute girls on twitter and tries to weasel his way into their vagina.

I have no idea how many women he's cheated on his wife with and how many of those women I know indirectly. It really doesn't matter. He's fucking married and I don't want to marry the guy, I know what I'm getting into, or what I allowed to get into me when I made the decision to claim that cock that night, but after I was left with just a weird feeling, especially when he didn't see me again while he was still here despite having at least one window of opportunity the last night he was here and was literally partying across the street from where I was. He was with that annoying shrill twitter bitch and her boyfriend again. Probably trying to still get in her pants or at least make her feel better after I tore her a new asshole on DM when she tried to give me shit for threatening to kick her ass which I would have totally done if Kiwi hadn't carried me away.

What brings all this shit up nearly 3 months later is after that I had a dry spell for 2 months after him. It was me and my mental state. I was confused. And after 8 hours of amazing sex with a hot egomaniac married asshole, I wasn't interested in fucking anyone else. I got drunk one night and decided to defriend him on facebook and stop following him on twitter because I saw him trying to scout his next little young victim on twitter and she thankfully dissed him and made him look like an idiot and I was like "why the fuck do I need this shit?" I didn't so I cut him off and didn't even say anything to him about it. No point. He emailed me and asked me if I cut him off and I just said "yep" and that was that. It was tough to keep it short and to cut him off but I did it.

I finally did have a one-night stand 3 weeks ago. I hooked up with a cute South African kid with a huge cock that made me feel like a virgin touched for the very first time. I mean I was screaming and clawing the mattress just when he entered me and had to beg him to stop to let me breathe a couple times even though he was being slow and very gentle.

But still I missed Kiwi boy and also ended up thinking about LA Boy while this kid with the monster cock was fucking me.

I just found out LA Boy has a girlfriend now and they are all into each other and will probably end up having some suicide pact since LA Boy is goth like that. I'm happy he hasn't totally retreated from life but of course wish that were me even though he is way worse for me than Kiwi. He's very bipolar, probably schizo, prone to being physically violent, is an emotional infant who refuses to take responsibility for his actions...everything I find repulsive yet part of me still fantasizes about him but I know it's only the idea of him and not him exactly.

Anyway back to Kiwi, up until yesterday I thought I was pregnant with his baby. Of course we used condoms, especially him being married and all, he knew exactly what to do to make sure we were safe the entire time. But my period was late, I've gained 15 pounds, and the two pregnancy test I took came out weird, the second line was lightly appearing both time. So I went to the hospital yesterday and was shitting it for a good hour, things racing in my mind about what I would do if I was pregnant, abortions are illegal in Thailand but there are super luxury hospitals that will do them and dingy hospitals that do them. If I needed to have an abortion which is my worst fear because even getting a pap smear freaks me out, I would go with the 5 star treatment and Kiwi would have paid every baht since I'm broke as fuck.

So all this shit was racing through my mind, I found out you can do a paternity test before the baby is born if it came to that, the emotional and hormonal damage I'd be going through, I've had friends who had abortions and they are mentally stable, in my fucked up mental state dealing with being pregnant and getting rid of it would really fuck me up...

But I'm not pregnant! I am just fucking fat fight now and need to exercise and stop scarfing carbs.

I got drunk with a friend last night and sent Kiwi a drunk email about my pregnancy scare because I don't think it's fair for women to deal with that and the guy get away with not at least knowing about how fucked up it is to go through that. Men will never truly know how scary that shit is but they can at least be told about it so they are scared too for a second.

He responded and apologized and said he knows he is selfish and he's trying to be a better person...he said all the right things you can say when someone sends you an email like that...he's very good at appearing to be a good guy with good intentions but I know it's all bullshit. He isn't going to change and at the end of the day I still want his cock and really want to get my tubes tied but the surgery freaks me out. I have a phobia of doctors fucking around with my lady parts.

I haven't responded back, not sure if I should. He said if there is anything he can do, let him know but those are just words, he doesn't mean that shit, he could be cutting and pasting "white knight shit to say to bitches" because that's how it comes across.

He's also coming back to Bangkok to visit soon...

I want to hit that again. Part of me really wants to send him a message telling him is he is a fucking selfish asshole but I still want his cock. It's the truth but do I really need to do that to myself again?

I am such a masochist.

Comments: 1 have gone mad - we're all mad here

Fucking a hot married man and other life updates [27 Apr 2013|03:30am]
[ mood | horny ]

I have a new infatuation. Of course I will always want LA Boy but since he has continued to ignore me, my dedication to being totally obsessed with him has waned considerably. That's a good thing. Caring about him and having him ignore me doesn't hurt anymore or occupy my thoughts the way it did. Now it mostly comes up just when I'm drunk and feeling lonely.

Anyway there's this super fucking hot, tall, Kiwi named Jase who lives in Singapore. He used to live in Bangkok and comes here often for business and pleasure. I've been talking to him on twitter a lot. I actually first noticed him when I was tweeting about fucking that hot Norwegian viking last year and how I needed another viking. He tweeted that he was tall and had viking blood and I checked him out and was like "damn you ARE hot!"


So I followed him on twitter and we've been flirting ever since. He sends me flirty private messages and I always talk about how hot he is. We typically have long Skype conversations while he's waiting for an airplane. He travels a lot for work. Over time he upped the flirtiness, even asking to see my tits which I didn't send him just to play hard-to-get.

I never really thought much of it, it's always nice to flirt with a hot, jetsetting businessman but as he became more flirty and dirty I vowed to ride that viking Kiwi cock when he came to town. I don't give a fuck that he's married.

I had missed him the first couple times he was here but the last time...thanks to my friend Gaby and her smartphone, he met up with us at a bar and another twitter guy named Chris, who I never knew existed but he ended up being a fan of me on twitter and tumblr, came by too. Chris ended up being cool and really smart. We had a good time chatting and getting drunk and when we all left the bar to head home, Jase invited me to his hotel room at the Sheraton and I happily obliged.

I'm not sure how often he cheats on his wife. I get the feeling it's not something he does often. He seemed a little nervous and I was just fucking horny. I had not been expecting to meet him that day, I thought he was coming to Bangkok the week after when I was going to be out of town so I was just planning to have dinner with Gaby and we ended up making a night of it and she informed me Jase was in town so I was like "OMFG I need that man in me! We need to meet up with him!"

So that's why I did not have condoms on me. We couldn't fuck but I sucked him off twice. He's not huge, especially considering how fucking tall he is but still a good size and very thick. He fucked my throat from all angles, came on my face and then he fingered me and choked me and we fell asleep for a bit but he kept waking me up because he was dryhumping me as we were spooning. I really wish I had brought condoms!!!

There is something about this guy though. I've never felt so passionate about someone I've hooked up with. Even though we didn't fuck, I was so turned on and could just kiss him and kiss his body forever. He smelled amazing. I've never been turned on by someone's smell before. I couldn't stop licking him and kissing him all over. He was turning me on a lot even though he was being a little distant, I think because of the whole being married thing. He wouldn't put his tongue in my mouth but we Disney kissed and I tried to coax his tongue out but aside from licking my tits and my face while he choked me, he did not shove his tongue down my throat.

It was a very interesting night/day. I stayed until about 10am and couldn't sleep. I was too self-conscious since I wasn't all dressed up like I would have been had I known I was going to see him. I didn't have fishnets on or heels but at least my tits were out. He does love my tits a lot:

tracy masked tits

So I kissed him goodbye while he was still in bed, grabbed my shoes and walked out into the insanely bright ass day without sunglasses for the walk of shame. There were a lot of white American families downstairs and I was overcharged for the taxi ride home and the taxi driver thought I was a hooker and kept trying to get me to give him a massage and "boom boom." It was fucking hilarious.

Jase later apologized for being a robot but in typical man fashion he didn't explain why he was like that. It has to be the wife thing, I don't think it was lack of attraction. He's been flirting with me for a year, I never started that and he had no problems coming in my mouth twice and watching me masturbate for an hour as he choked me. He was really good at choking, it's not something just anyone can do correctly. He later said he had no idea what he was doing but it was very pleasurable.

His wife is surprisingly not Asian. He's married to a sweet but very boring looking Kiwi woman and he had expressed not being that happy with her since she was getting upset that he was going out a lot in Singapore. I pretended I gave a shit and told him to talk things out with her but I could tell that he's bored with her and his life. I was right.

He's very normal in his tastes but he's very charismatic and I am really physically attracted to him. I was soaking wet for a week after that tryst just thinking about him. Next time he's in Bangkok, I'm riding that cock and he better shove that long tongue of his down my throat and in my cunt!

So that's my new fuck interest. I want to be his Bangkok mistress. He mentioned looking at my tumblr a lot and liking my Twisted Tuesday posts on Bizarro Central. I was surprised since he never said anything online to me about it but I guess he's a lurker.

If he likes the crazy shit I post and knows how crazy I am and still wanted to mess around with me, then he must not be as normal as I think he is. We'll see what happens when he comes back to Bangkok. I just want him to pound me until I can't walk anymore and I want to suck him off again and again!

I've been with one other married man before but he's in an open marriage. I even met his wife who I adore and she was very nice to me. This is my first time being a homewrecker. I love it!

BTW, I made a "secret" video a few weeks ago. You can only see it if you receive a direct link to it. I felt like drunken camwhoring but I'm too shy to make it public but decided to post it on my tumblr and lj. I dance around my apartment to David Lynch's "Noah Ark" and lick my nipple towards the end. Mark makes an appearance. It's very random.

Anyway I should go to bed, I do have a lot more to type about but my friend is having an abortion in the morning and I'm going with her to offer some moral support. I hope it goes smoothly...

Comments: 3 have gone mad - we're all mad here

Twisted Tuesdays: Bizarro Medical Syndromes [20 Mar 2013|03:03am]
[ mood | awake ]


Check out my latest post at Bizarro Central about my 13 favorite fucked up medical conditions from clinical lycanthropy, Alice in Wonderland syndrome, a delusion were someone thinks that the same person is morphing into several different people in order to get them, and "walking dead" syndrome.

Robot Hookers is due next month, haven't touched it, and I fucked a cute Thai guy this past weekend after a month-long dry spell. He was very nice. I had only fucked half-Thais before so he was a good "introduction." I prefer Westernized people, race doesn't matter, his last girlfriend was American and he saw me act like a crazy drunk whore, I even punched out some shit-talking Brit who was bothering my friends, and he still took me to his super insanely clean apartment and fucked the shit out of me until 5am. I might even see him again, we'll see.

In other news, my obsession with LA Boy has dulled down to just a numb little poke in my brain which is better than the erratic painful sobbing. Getting laid helps me not care about him so much. I haven't contacted him since he told me to fucked off and he hasn't contacted me. I hope he had a good birthday.

I AM obsessed with IAMX right now though, especially since the La Boy thing went South. Chris Corner's lyrics hit very close to home. Cannot wait for the new album. I have his latest music video on hardcore repeat every day.

Fucking hot and love the El Topo chic he has going!

Comments: we're all mad here

Twisted Tuesdays: Bizarre Deaths [20 Feb 2013|12:04am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

This week's Twisted Tuesday is dedicated to weird, fucked up ways people have died, like when Carolyn M. Matsumoto, committed suicide by closing herself up in the family’s dishwasher. Or even when 21 people drowned in molasses when a tank burst and sent 2.3 million gallons of sticky brown goo roaring through the streets of Boston in 1919. Or the pig farmer who was eaten by pigs. Who doesn't love a good fucked up death?


Comments: 1 have gone mad - we're all mad here

Rejection [18 Feb 2013|02:43am]
[ mood | awake ]

I sent LA Boy a Valentine's Day message, joking that he will be in Clown Goes Mad whether he is kicking and screaming because the movie is important but I forget who I'm dealing with and he took that negatively so he replied last night and said he will not be in my movie, never said he would (yes he did several times and was super excited about the script and said he wanted to help any way he could) and to never contact him again.

I was drunk when I received his response, but thankfully positive drunk. So I spilled my guts, telling him how much I care about him, how I am sorry for upsetting him even though in my mind I truly don't think I did anything bad enough for him to treat me like this and cut me off, to give me a chance, that he's a special snowflake and I appreciate him...blah blah grovel blah.

Now that's it's Sunday and I'm sober, I am over this shit. When he was still typing to me, he made it clear he cannot emotionally handle anything romantic, even flirting from across the world. Ever since I confessed my feelings to him he's been erratic with pushing me away and flirting with me. Now he flat out doesn't want me near him.

He blew one of my bitchy replies to his bitchy replies out of proportion as an excuse to push me away since I got too close and my being close scared the shit out of him. It's easier for him to believe I'm some evil bitch monster than talk things out and continue whatever the fuck you would call our interactions. Internet bipolar flirting? He has issues and he knows this, the problem is he blames me for things that are not my fault and I truly care for him.

Him cutting me off completely fucking hurts. I feel hurt right now and go from "I'm over him" to "OMG I love him!"

I don't think I love him, I don't know him and haven't seen him in person in over 4 years. He won't even LET me know him, but I am very attracted to him and want to know him and have put myself out there time and time again only to get stomped on. Why? I feel he is special and he is. In this past year of fucking around with people, being with a new guy practically every week, I do want someone more constant around and even though I don't want a relationship, I want a connection with someone and felt a strong one with him but obviously he is too wrapped up in his own hell to deal with that right now and he has chased me away and made me feel like a dumbass for constantly trying to reach out to him and take the fall for things I don't think I deserve to be blamed for.

So part of me is like "leave him the fuck alone, he made it clear, get on with your two big projects you need to get done, Robot Hookers is due NOW, Clown Goes Mad needs funding and I need to crack or buy Final Draft to finish the script...start pre-production, etc." the other part is like "dammit let me send him yet another email explaining how I feel because 100 emails isn't enough." I am trying to leave him alone but it's hard. I just need to move on and stop being infatuated with him, he clearly doesn't want me right now and I should not waste my time on someone who doesn't want me.

But you can't really pick who you end up being infatuated with, well it is a choice, everything you do is a choice but it's really hard to unwant someone even though right now I wish I could. He's been occupying my thoughts for a long time and I blame him for not getting any writing done today even though I intended to. The truth is I've just been depressed and fucking things up for myself. I need to pull myself out of it and get shit done because that will make me feel better. Don't do what LA Boy is doing which is shutting life away and pushing away people who give a shit about him and not caring about anyone but his misery. His birthday is next month too, I was hoping he would grow up but he seems to be retreating further into his cocoon, at least further away from me which fucking sucks.

So I have to cast a new Firewall. The main character whose part I wrote specifically with him in mind. Fucking stubborn asshole. Dammit I want him!

Picture 2

Comments: 6 have gone mad - we're all mad here

Twisted Tuesdays: Science & Human Genetic Mutations [13 Feb 2013|02:56am]
[ mood | horny ]

I've been having a great time writing these Twisted Tuesday posts. This week is about science and genetic mutations from a kid who can see in the dark to a family who walks on all fours, plus the latest breakthrough in robotic and bionic technology!

Last week's post was great, it was about Shit That Creeped You Out As A Kid People shared some great creepy childhood memories.

I'm on mid-term break this week. I'm supposed to be taking a break from Bangkok but I've been too lazy laying around the apartment to find somewhere to go. Maybe tomorrow, just for 2 nights, was thinking jungle but going to an island and swimming in the sea sounds nice. I just need to get away from Bangkok and chill out with nature. It's already Wednesday so I better hurry and leave soon!

I fucked some guy from the UK on Saturday. He's a friend of my coworker, we've met before. Really nice guy but has a girlfriend. I actually don't care, relationships mean shit in this city, I don't take them seriously but he said he felt guilty. He still hung out with me Sunday morning, we ordered pizza and watched Fight Club since he'd never watched it!

He's been messaging me on facebook...I'd fuck him again, he's cute, gentle, and has a big dick and he's really easy to talk to but kind of off, my friend knew instantly when I tweeted that some guy was on my bed that it was him because he was "cute and odd" totally my type! :P

Still miss LA Boy to no end. Sent him an early Valentine's Day email saying that I miss him and care about him a lot and included a link to the "Closer" video by NIN since he loves NIN and I do want to fuck him like an animal! I haven't been into NIN since I was 14 but now I've been listening to Trent a lot because of him.

Sometimes I think I am totally incapable of romantic love since I've never felt it but I think I could be in love with him. At least if he would fucking let me!

He ignored my message. Better than blowing up at me and saying I'm mean, right?

Comments: 1 have gone mad - we're all mad here

New Vlog Entry [04 Feb 2013|09:16pm]
[ mood | horny ]

Comments: we're all mad here

Happy Birthday Lewis Carroll! [28 Jan 2013|02:36am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I posted a Mega Alice Tribute post for the sexiest writer in history! I LOVE Lewis Carroll and am obsessed with the Alice books. Though the Looking-Glass is my favorite since it's about death.

My LA Crush is still mad at me and told me to leave him alone, that I wasn't a nice person, and that he didn't want to deal with my shit, via email today. All I did was send him this cool anarchist video in hopes he would get comfortable with me again but he snapped at me.

I'm a bit sad about that but what can you do? I've tried everything to get through to him. I really care about him and it sucks that he is so paranoid and scared of letting people close to him. He is so fucking stubborn. My friends who know us both say he is too fucked up and to just leave him alone and pursue someone who will appreciate me and isn't so emotionally unstable that they make me feel like shit for caring about them.

I don't want to leave him alone, I LIKE that he's fucked up and I want to help him even though I know I can't. I hate seeing him do that shit to himself. I'm bipolar too but I can still function in "reality" reasonably enough to hold a steady job, have a good social life, and be independent. I definitely don't get pissed off at people who have crushes on me and blame them for my emotional damage.

He seems to enjoy being depressed, isolating himself, and has chosen to push away someone who is willing to put up with the crazy shit and not get scared off. How many hot, creative, smart, independent, artistic, bipolar bitches are going to be after his cock when he's acting like a rabid Tasmanian devil? I'm not exactly a dime a dozen and no I'm in no way perfect but obviously he isn't either and the fact that I like that he's crazy should win me mega points but he thinks I'm some evil cunt out to get him even though I am trying to fucking be his friend and ride his cock. Maybe one day he will wake up and appreciate that. Right now he obviously can't.

I'm still mailing him the final draft of Clown Goes Mad when it's done. I can be stubborn too.

Comments: 3 have gone mad - we're all mad here

2013: Year of the Artist [15 Jan 2013|11:08pm]
[ mood | artistic ]

jesus tits

I've been neglecting my lj a lot...I haven't made a post since before my birthday! I prefer using tumblr and twitter since it's more instant gratification, so please add me on there if you'd like daily mass updates from me.

drunk vanity

My main tumblr is mainly fucked up pics I find on 4chan, screenshots of shit I'm watching, and a little bit of blogging and pics of me. I also have a tumblr specifically for my writing. I'm working on Robot Hookers and Clown Goes Mad and posting snippets from both projects as well as posting some short stories.

creepy bear infinity

I now have mod-is-god power over at Bizarro Central so I can post entries whenever I'd like instantly. Yay! I've been making Twisted Tuesday posts which consist of weird videos, articles, pictures, etc. It's like a continuation of my Creepypasta Halloween Countdown every Tuesday!

So my Dirty Thirty birthday was awesome. I had a nice dinner at my friend's organic restaurant and then went to Samet and partied my ass off:

birthday hop
Vanity Dirty Thirty

About 10 friends came to Samed with me and we were wasted the whole time. We all made out with each other, it was cute but it's a gay island so my gay friends got most of the action. I hooked up with some random guy with a big dick but he totally ruined the moment when he tried to stick it in my ass, like just stick it in without even telling me. Fucking idiot. Aside from that, I had an amazing time and was so happy so many friends were able to make it to Samed. We do go there like every month but this was special. I thankfully took that Monday off work and my boss paid me for it so that was nice. It was a great birthday with a great group of friends. One of my best birthdays ever.

So Halloween....
halloween zombie

Ever since I dressed up as dead Grandpa, I've been really feeling his presence. I think I opened up some Gonzo vortex. I even do the mumbly rambly thing he used to do when I am drunk or anxious and that's without a cigarette holder in my mouth!

Even though I've been binge drinking every weekend since I arrived in Bangkok and really got fucked up two weeks ago for my friend's birthday, I'm actually done with booze. October and November seemed to have drained me of all serotonin because December was lonely and depressing as fuck. What made it worse was that I was fucking broke as hell from all that partying and trying to catch up on bills so when I had 2 weeks of Christmas vacation from teaching, I couldn't go anywhere!

December was spent just fucking feeling like shit and trying not to lose my mind. The last time I felt like that was the previous December. Something about that month, my hatred of Christmas only intensifies. I did see a cock show with friends for Cockmas Eve so that was nice but Christmas day was spent just sobbing. That night was good though since I got trashed with friends but the whole of December was shit. I've been sad that someone who I've had on a crush on for years stopped speaking to me early December and is still ignoring me.

He lives in Los Angeles, we've hung out with mutual friends but never really got to know each other but we've been emailing back and forth all year and ever since I told him that I loved him, which now I realize I don't but I really really want him, he's been doing this back and forth flirting and freaking out thing. It really aggravating because I just want him to pay attention to me and he's in L.A. so it's not like we can do anything but flirt anyway but he is so fucking sensitive and gets mad at me easily.

He is hot as fuck and smart and he read a rough draft of Clown Goes Mad and fucking loved it and gave me amazing feedback. I really hope he speaks to me again. I think he will, especially since I am snail mailing the final draft of the sciprt to him once it's complete. I am finally shooting it this year in July and August when I have summer vacation. So I need to get that script done, shoot some teasers to raise money via kickstarter, cast the movie, and get my ass to L.A. to shoot!

The hot Ezra Miller doppelgänger director boy I met at the Halloween party ignored me soon after I met him because he kept being too busy to see me so I kept drunk dialing him and yelling at him. I noticed that when I'm drunk and I like someone, I can be a real cunt to them if they do anything that hurts my feelings even if they aren't trying to hurt my feelings. So yeah no more booze. It makes me do stupid shit and makes me feel depressed. I don't need that right now, I have too much to do.

I promised L.A. Boy that I'd leave him alone since he said he didn't want to hear from me anymore but when I was super drunk 2 weeks ago, I managed to dig up his phone number and called him and I blacked out so I have no idea what I said. Hopefully I just masturbated on the phone but I remember crying in the mirror and being fucking nuts so who knows what that crazy bitch part of me did?

I haven't left Bangkok since my birthday and I need to leave at least every other month or this place gets to me. I need fresh air. I'm just a nomad and need to always change shit up or I get cabin fever. I have another week off work in 3 weeks so I am totally going somewhere, I don't give a fuck where as long as I am just breathing clean and and seeing nature. That's all I want right now. Well that and L.A. Boy.

I spent NYE drinking at home and celebrating with the internet which was fine. I was sick and I love internet attention. Speaking of which, a random video I shot of some old Thai lady making rice paper has reached over a MILLION youtube hits so I've been getting a lot of internet attention lately. People seem to really like my drunken vlog entry, once I stop feeling like a fat old blob, I'll make another one.

So as the title of this entry states, 2013 is the year of the artist. Nick Cave released a beautiful new video directed by Gaspar Noé and is releasing a new album. David Bowie has already released a new video this year and is releasing a new album, my friends zK and uncertain released some beautiful free noise albums this month. Tom Waits and Anton Corbijn are releasing a photo book. IAMX is releasing a new album...I am really looking forward to that. I've been listening to IAMX a lot more lately. Chris Corner released a new video and I can't stop listening to it.

My mood has been so erratic that this song is perfect for me right now. The good thing is that I got Final Draft to finally work on my G5 and have been finishing up Clown Goes Mad. So close to being done, I can't wait to shoot it!

Also have my first paid writing gig, I am writing a travel piece about Morocco for a magazine. So after those two things are done, I'll work on finishing the rough draft of Robot Hooker which isn't due until April.

This is the year of getting shit done, taking a great leap forward as a writer and filmmaker, and also enjoying the amazing shit that other artists are creating. If you are an artist, this is your year to blow people's minds.


Enjoy the ride!

Comments: 5 have gone mad - we're all mad here

Bizarro Bangkok: The Naturally Mummified Monk of Chinatown [07 Nov 2012|06:45am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

I made a post at Bizarro Central about running into a naturally mummified monk while walking around Chinatown.  Apparently naturally mummified monks are not that uncommon here...

I still need to make my Halloween/new boy/omg I'm turning 30 tomorrow update but it's 6:42AM here and I can't be late for work. Anyway Halloween was awesome, pics and more info on that soon. In the meantime here is my latest video with my new Fuji water, shock, dust, freeze, proof cam/ Best bday present to myself!

Comments: 1 have gone mad - we're all mad here

Last Creepypasta post for Halloween! [02 Nov 2012|12:26am]
[ mood | busy ]

Last Creepypasta Halloween Countdown Day Post, #31: HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!

If you’ve been following my creepypasta countdown you know I’ve been posting some creepy shit, the video at the link is the creepiest video I have ever seen and I have seen some really fucked up shit

Comments: 1 have gone mad - we're all mad here

Vanity’s Creepypasta Halloween Countdown Day #29: Witches and Other Supernatural Shit [30 Oct 2012|07:35pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

It's annoying that my Creepy Halloween Countdown posts are a day behind since I'm 14 hours ahead of Portland where Bizarro is based.  It's already Devil's Night here and THAT post is fucking epic!

Sacha wished me a happy Devil's Night, I hope I get to fuck him for Halloween.  I'm going to be a slutty, dead HST!

Still no word from LA Boy but I've been good and didn't email him yesterday and won't email him today or at all until he emails me. If he ever does which I hope he does.  I haven't given up on him but if he is going to act like that I am not going to keep putting out energy when I am getting jack and shit back.  Yeah he's in a bad place but we all have problems and it can be hard to deal with shit but completely shutting out someone who fucking cares about you because you're scared and crazy is stupid.

I guess a romantic relationship with him would be impossible if he is pulling that kind of shit via email.  He will forever be a crush and nothing more.

I'm ok with it, not happy but I at least would like to see him out of the hole and sending me happy messages like he did before all this shit went down in October.  It started off so well but went straight to hell since we're both oversensitive, bipolar, and just generally fucking nuts in different ways.  He crawls into dark holes and I act like a whore.

So now we'll see if the Sacha thing happens.   We had tentative plans tomorrow but I had forgotten it was Halloween and he said he'd be hanging out with coworkers and didn't really push to meet up...that would really suck if he was just another one-nighter, or two nighter since I did see him two nights in a row.

I'm sick of fucking stupid guys, even though they are young and hot.  I want hot, smart, and creative and I found him but knowing Bangkok, it probably won't go anywhere...he'll flake and fuck off with some Thai bitch...I don't know.  I hate waiting and since I broke both of my vibrators, I'm super horny so a steady lay with someone hot and smart would be really good!

Fuck, tomorrow is Halloween already! I'm already mourning that it's practically over.  Doing the Creepypasta Countdown for Bizarro has been a lot of fun.  I'm joining NanoWriMo again this year to work on Robot Hookers.  I only need 20,000 words, not even 50 but I want to get that done now and have it ready for next year.

I lost my camera two weeks ago which sucks because I had 3 costumes this year: slutty police bitch, slutty white rabbit, and tomorrow slutty Hunter and no one took good pics of my costumes even though I looked pretty damn good.   I'm going to buy a waterproof camera tomorrow when I get paid since I'm having my 30th (fuck I'm going to be 30!) birthday on Samet. 

Last time I went to Samet I did poppers and gave a gay guy a blowjob in the middle of the dance floor and then cut my hand open on some rocks along the beach at 4am because Gaby was fucking some Cambodian fire dancer in our bungalow. I ended up needing 4 stitches.  So I need to top that!

I0 of my craziest party friends have already confirmed so shit's going to get pretty wild.  Can't wait!

Comments: 8 have gone mad - we're all mad here

vagina occupied!!!! [29 Oct 2012|02:05am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

After a month of not getting laid...last guy was a Scottish guy with a huge cock who never called me back...I met a super fucking hot boy last night at a Halloween party.  He looks like a mix between Ezra Miller and Keanu Reeves, he's Thai/British but sounds/acts American, not only is he hot, super smart, reads Hunter S. Thompson, Philip K. Dick and other writers I love, and has great taste in films, he's also a very talented filmmaker!

I took him home with soon as I saw him, I had to have him.  He slept over, we fucked and made out a lot, and then had a really nice Sunday brunch with my BFF Gaby at this shisha/Mediterranean restaurant.  She totally approved of him.

He came over again this evening so we could have a youtube film festival where we showed each other our movies.  It was so fucking hot. He's a really good filmmaker and he enjoyed my movies, especially my Anton Steele commercial: 

We have different styles and can totally learn from each other. We ended the night by watching This Ain't Star Trek XXX and he shot his load in my mouth as Spock was getting a blowjob from Jenna Haze, fucking love that scene! 

I am trying not to get my hopes up...but damn he's everything I've been looking for: hot, talented, sweet, crazy, and we have the same philosophy on life...we had the most esoteric philosophical discussions about the meaning of life in between was a great night....last night and this night.

This is him.  His name is Sacha Nathan and I really hope this goes somewhere, there is so much potential.

As for LA boy...fucking hell, where to begin?  I still love him and care about him and I ended up telling him how I feel.  I've been hiding it for like 6-7 years and we were getting so close as we can get via emails and some bad shit happened to him recently so I was worried he was going to kill himself because he's super bipolar and always I told him I loved him and he got flirty, telling me he wish he was sleeping next to me and even said he was jerking off to thoughts of me because I sent him an email telling him that I wanted to take a nice long walk on the beach with him, get down on my knees, and slide every inch of his cock down my throat until I choked.  Him saying that shit is really forward for him, he never talks like that so I thought I had finally gotten past the iron steel electric fence that surrounded his emotions.

Then all of a sudden, a day after he said he was jerking off to me, he fucking snaps because I asked him about an email he had mentioned he wrote in response to my telling him I loved him.  When I wrote that he didn't respond for a long time and I was like "OMG I just poured my heart out and you're not saying shit?!" so I was freaking the fuck out...of course I would have loved to get a response of "great, let's fuck!" but I would have just been happy with "I'm flattered but I can't be in a relationship, I'm too fucked up" which is the case with him.

But he didn't respond at all until I sent him an email saying "omg I'm dying here, tell me SOMETHING!"  He of course flipped out, said he had been working on 10 different emails to respond with and that I would have loved the last email he wrote but because I was "pressuring" him, he sent me a bitchier email...but then we resolved things and that's when he said he wished he was sleeping with me.  I thought everything was going to be great after that...

So he gets flirty and we become closer...he even read my Clown Goes Mad script and gave me amazing feedback!  I was so happy for a couple of days when I thought "this is it, we're going to be something more finally" but because I asked him about that "nicer" email he had mentioned he was going to send to me, in a totally like "oh btw" totally not serious or pressuring him...he took it the worst way possible, as bipolar people tend to and freaked out on me and said I was asking too much of him, how he didn't want anyone that close to him, and even said that my affection was making him scream and punch shit because he didn't want to be responsible for my feelings because he couldn't even make himself happy.

I responded with a bunch of long ass emails, telling him I was not expecting anything from him, especially not to make me happy and that I had no idea he would take my love and affection as a bad thing.  He's in a really fucked up place if my loving him is making him punch shit and scream.

But because I'm bipolar too and I do care about him a lot, I've been continuing to send him emails and hope he responds. 

Even if, hopefully, this thing with Sacha becomes serious...I still want LA Boy in my life and I will always love him.  I tell him practically every day how much I care in hopes I can get through to him.

I'm really worried he's going to kill himself.  I will be fucking devastated if he does, that's why I put my heart out there and even though he stomped on it due to self-preservation/fear of intimacy...I have continued to keep trying to reach out to him.

So that's what's been occupying my vagina lately, I had been super depressed over the LA Boy situation, especially since he hasn't typed shit to me since exploding...but this new guy I just met last night has me feeling a lot better.  I am trying not to get my hopes up...we just met and there has to be something wrong with him, he is too perfect...but I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts. 

We have a date again on Halloween and he's been really affectionate and attentive and compliments me constantly about how beautiful I am...he could be the one to get me to stop whoring around.  I know we just met but we clicked so well, especially since I was totally ready to throw in the towel on fucking Bangkok boys, we'll see...

Comments: 5 have gone mad - we're all mad here

Vanity’s Creepypasta Halloween Countdown Day #27: Evil Kids [29 Oct 2012|01:27am]
[ mood | horny ]

Kids can be creepy, especially when they murder people.

Comments: we're all mad here

My latest Creepypasta Halloween Countdown: bunnies [27 Oct 2012|03:02am]
[ mood | drunk ]

Go down the rabbit hole

Comments: we're all mad here

Vanity’s Creepypasta Halloween Countdown Day #22: Animated Hell [23 Oct 2012|11:51am]
[ mood | busy ]

I am a huge fan of stop-motion animation and today’s Halloween Creepypasta Countdown video, about a guy trapped in hell, is beautiful, dark, and has a great noise soundtrack. Share your favorite stop-motion clips/movies if you have any!

Comments: we're all mad here

Vanity's Halloween Creepypasta Countdown! [20 Oct 2012|03:23pm]
[ mood | groggy ]

Fuck I'm already on Day #19 (even though it's already the 20th in Thailand) and I hadn't had a chance to tell livejournal that I've been doing an awesome Creepypasta Countdown at Bizarro Central!

Every single day until Halloween, the best fucking holiday ever, I've been posting creepy pics and videos. 

So check it out and enjoy!  I've been having a lot of fun making these countdown posts.  It has really kept the Halloween spirit alive since Halloween is every day in October for me!

Also, my Bizarro friend Sam Reeve has been doing a Japanese horror film countdown at Bizarro Central so there are horrific Halloween updates there every day!

I think my Devil's Night post is going to be better than my actual Halloween excited about that!

Comments: 2 have gone mad - we're all mad here

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